What Has Happened To Us?

I apologize for not posting so often. There have been a number of things that have been weighing on my soul, and I have not known how to express them. Most of them revolving around marriage and just what that means to the believer. Part of it has to do with a friend who is going through a nasty divorce. The other part has to do with the general attitude toward marriage in our society and in the church. Like I said it weighs on my heart like nothing I have ever felt before. It is almost like Yeshua is letting me feel just a small portion of His pain.

From my friend’s situation I am coming to a greater understanding of what it means to love your wife sacrificially. Just what does it mean when Paul writes that we are to love our wives like Christ loves the church? I cannot help but believe that it means we are to cherish her, and to give our life for her. I am not just talking about being willing to die in her place but to give up our selfish pride and show her our love in a way that she will never doubt our commitment to her. Love in marriage is a commitment beyond any other we will make. I am not talking about being whipped or not being a man, but that part of being a man is the willingness to be selfless for our wives.

Other things such as the marriage debate running on several blogs just has me shaking my head. On one hand we have the marriage mandaters who have boiled down the marriage crisis to failed leadership on the part of men and that if a man chooses not to get married then he is committing a sin against both G_d and womankind. On the other hand we have those who refuse to get married because they feel that the laws in our nation are so lopsided that if something were to happen in their marriage then they will be the ones holding the shaft. The thing that I see is that each group wants to get married on their OWN terms. Ultimately I see this as simply fear, women fear submitting to the authority G_d has given to the husband and men fear committing because they may loose all they have. It is all fear, yet as believers we are not given to a spirit of fear but one of faith and love. True love involves sacrifice by both parties. A commitment to love and sacrifice for each other even when things are not so good. It seems that our churches have lost sight of this. We have embraced divorce as inevitable, embraced singleness as a divine gift, and set marriage as a side bar in G_d's plan. Did not G_d say that a man that finds a wife finds a good thing?

While I understand the concerns of those who choose to remain single, I truly believe they are missing out on one of G_d's greatest blessings. I also think that those on the other side of the coin are shooting themselves in the foot by making this some kind of sin not to get married. It is not supported by scripture. If our churches could get back to teaching that marriage is a blessing and a true picture of G_d's relationship with us I truly think that we could overcome this marriage crisis.

So, again I ask what has happened to us?

A Married Man's Take

Triton has been posting several articles concerning Debbie Maken and her book concerning the "Marriage Mandate" Christians are under. I wrote a comment on her blog and because I am not sure she will post it I am posting it here on my blog. I have been following this for some time and have kept quiet. I could not keep quiet any longer.

I know that I am new to the debate, but I could not help but notice the amount of vitriol that has been posted in the comments. Just for a little background I got married when I was 21. I have been married to that same woman for almost 17 years now. I have six children including one daughter (12). I am a sold out, born again follower of Jesus Christ. For the most part I agree with Mrs. Maken. What I have been having a hard time with is the argument that it is all men’s fault. I think that if we use that as an argument we are oversimplifying the problem. In order to get this problem resolved it is going to take a lot of change on both sides.

Since the sixties there have been a number of radical societal changes all of these changes have been detrimental to marriage as an institution. One of the biggest being our current divorce laws. The laws have made getting married a virtual minefield for men. Men on the whole want to get married what they don’t want is to be into that marriage 10 years with 2 or 3 children only to find out that his wife is "unhappy" and wants a divorce. Where is the commitment then? Women file the majority of divorces, and when it comes to the outcome of those divorces men generally end up with the short end of the stick. Marriage is more than a 50-50 split it involves each person giving 100% of themselves to make it work. This is my point if a man does not have a reasonable expectation of this then he is not likely to present himself to this risk. Does that mean that he is doing the right thing? I personally do not think so, but it is the reality of what we have sown as a society.

The question is how do we get to the point that marriage is seen as valuable by both men and women. I do not think that there is a simple fix to the problem. While I do think that there is a lot that the leadership in our churches can do to encourage marriage as the desired state, It needs to be done without condemnation of those who are still single. I also think that we need to go farther than that. Our church leadership needs to be actively involved in helping families to teach their children the value of marriage and teaching our daughters to value being keepers in the home. Society on the whole has looked down upon this. Being a homemaker is seen as almost second class and "unfulfilling". This type of thinking is going to have to be discouraged.

Teaching our children these things is more of a long-term solution though. In the short term we have to deal with the problem at hand. We need to teach that marriage is a preferred state. To that end men have to be encouraged to seek out a bride, but on the flip side women have to be willing to give men what they are looking for in a wife. The big thing will be the willingness to forgo the "right" to a no fault divorce. Women will also need to "advertise". If you want to get married let be widely known you are in the market, and that you are looking for a true lifetime commitment. Do not be afraid of doing what it takes to get his attention. Most men are oblivious to what is obvious to you. I am a prime example. My wife got my attention in an unusual way. To this day I consider myself to be one of the most blessed men on this planet because she did.

I hope I am not coming off as too one sided. I think there is plenty of blame to spread around to both sides. The question is are we as Christians willing to quit the blame game and do what is needed to get beyond the problem?

Update:

Well it seems that Triton was wrong. Mrs Maken is no more interested in publishing the opposition's posts than she is in intellectual honesty.

Asking For a Prayer

My friends, I do not ask for prayer for myself very often but a couple of e-mails I have recieved have laid me low. Some accusations have come at me from places I would have never expected, and the pain is a little more than I can bear right now.