Life keeps moving on. It is kind of funny that way. Its unrelenting
march forward makes the times you would wish it would stop unbearable. That is the way I felt almost two years ago.
Samuel’s death was like a body blow followed with and uppercut. Life moved on
while I was on my knees. To this day I am not sure if I have actually truly grieved
his death. You see the fact that life moved on meant I could not stop and let
it pass me on by. I had children who needed me, a funeral to plan, and a job to
go back to. I am not blaming them it was just reality. I am now thinking I should have stopped
anyway, because I think that life is starting to pass me by anyway.
After two years I am realizing that
this is entirely unfair to my wife and kids because they have noticed long
before I was willing to admit this to myself. It is also not fair concerning
the ministry I am trying to start through this blog. So this post is sort of a
confessional. I am also asking for something that I generally do not ask for.
That is prayer for myself, that I can find the spark that I knew years ago,
that I will find the peace I am looking for, and that I will quit making
excuses to my self for not facing the reality of my son’s death.
7 comments:
I was very moved by the nature and heart-felt eloquence of this short post. The death of a family member is a hard thing to recover from and the sense that time marches on around you and others live their lives must seem as if Samuel's death was somehow not acknowledged fully by the world. How could it continue on regardless when you and your family were in such pain?
Getting on with life is what we do, regardless of how inappropriate that may seem at the time, because the only other option is to give in to dispair with all that follows for your mental health. Are you surprised that this long after you are realising that you have not fully grieved. Don't be.
Articulate it with those who you can be vulnerable with. You may need a cathartic experience. Maybe you no longer have to be strong for everyone else. Maybe it's your turn now to examine your thoughts and feelings fully.
You will never be the same person: you can't be. But you will be a different person because your experience of berevement and grief has shaped you. You have a new perspective, new sensitivities and greater depths of compassion. Celebrate those things. Don't hanker after the old you, develop the new you.
Prayers ascending.
Eaglewood,
U2 has a song that helps me deal with not finding what I am looking for. When I am going through a tough time, I crank it all the way up and sing along, then switch over to "40" and then "Gloria." in that order. It has helped me refocus many times. But then again, the sore throat I get makes me forget about a lot of things too.
I'm glad that you see it, Eaglewood.
In the 23rd Psalm it tells us we have to walk through the valley, we don't get to go around. Well, at least if we are to learn and grow.
Blessings, my friend.
And peace.
Eaglewood,
Your lovely wife sent me to wish you good cheer on your birthday, so that is what I am going to do. I know it is difficult time of year for you because of your baby's departure from this life to the next, but you are really beating yourself up about something you shouldn't be, imo.
It is not making excuses to say that you had life to deal with as you were grieving over your baby. It is truth. If you'd stopped, would it have helped anyone? Maybe if you can "stop" for just a little while now, while the grief has been lightened by time, you will feel better.
You did right by your family, and are still doing so, from what I can gather. Time does help heal the wounds of grief. Hang in there and enjoy your days with your loving wife and family, and someday you will all be able to enjoy Samuel again - together!
"Be of Good Cheer" :)
My friend. Sorrow doesn't disappear, it mellows into more palatable wine. However, if it is not seen and partaken of as the sculpting of our souls it will sour into bitterness.
You suffered a greater loss than I can imagine and you have a greater gift than many in your faithful wife, healthy and beautiful children and consistent friends. I know you are grateful and I know you are trying to balance the loss with the gift.
Fortunately, we hold onto the Greatest Hope. And He has given us a Comforter.
Be held, be strengthened, be washed and renewed.
Lift up your eyes. Your help is coming. From One who intimately understands the loss of a child.
Blessings and shalom to your heart.
Hey Eaglewood,
I just read your post about it at the other blog. I am very sorry about it. ((hugs)) I can't offer anything else, but my prayers.
I'm a newcomer to your blog and am moved by this post. We have been supporting our friends through a similar thing over the last few years, and my observation is that the husband has had to (or felt he had to) put his grief on hold in a way that the wife didn't. Maybe it's a common pattern. I add my good wishes and prayers to all those above.
Post a Comment